IMPORTANT

While it may bother many, the practicality of eating babies is nothing to be taken lightly.
How many times have you found yourself troubled by the actions of a baby? While superficially cute and adorable and lovable and fun, babies are—as statistics prove—the leading cause of death and frustration in the United States. Alarmingly, baby-related deaths now affect 3.49 million lives per year. 24 million people have reported that their death was the direct result of a baby (compared to 1 million people reporting that they had died as the direct result of tripping on untied shoelaces while smoking methamphetamine). Clearly, eating babies would help mitigate this growing problem.
Sociological experts have also determined that babies are carrying more weapons today than ever before. Parents have determined that 59% of the time their children are carrying, brandishing, or shining/cleaning their weapons. Clearly, the violent use of said weapons against babies would kill them; as is known, it’s incredibly difficult for the dead to cause problems. Because genocide will produce a great many dead babies, it only makes sense to eat them. Waste is never welcome in capitalism.
Studies also prove that sun-dried dead babies burn better than most everything else. A dead-baby bonfire could be used to cook a cauldron full of dead-baby stew. The practicality is almost overwhelming.
Sociological geniuses are also on the verge of proving that babies (not cigarettes) are the direct cause of cancer. Important studies from a reputable journal prove that couples with children are 3000% more likely to develop cancer of the arms and anus. A related study proves that couples that consume their own children (or children of helpless, impoverished minorities) reduce their risk of contracting cancer, AIDS, and HIV by 200%. These reliable statistics clearly indicate that eating babies would be a good decision.
Studies also prove that 100% of today’s criminals were—for some period of time—babies. Eating babies today would thus deter the crimes of tomorrow.
Sociologists agree that eating babies proves more fun than basketball, billiards, and masturbation combined. Granted that all fun things are worth doing, we should definitely eat babies.